Thursday, April 20, 2017

Being born

I was born on a rainy day of September 1988. According to my mother I was a “planned pregnancy” and her dream was to have a daughter. The reality of that was deep, deep, in her mind; she would have been too happy if she had had a baby boy. 

I know, you must think: how could you say that? Any mother would be happy to have a healthy baby no matter the gender. Let me stop you right there, not everyone can be a mother, not everyone should be a mother, period. Unfortunately we live in a society that makes you believe in order to function properly as human being is to go to school, go to college, work, marry and have children.

I was a slightly complicated case already; after 20 hours of labor the doctor performed a c-section because she wasn’t dilated enough to get me out. The OR temperature was cold, too cold for me because and I’m very sensitive to low temperatures. The recommended temperature range in an operating room is between 68°F and 75°F. Collaborate with infection prevention. Consequently, I develop from that moment sinusitis or as a psychologist once told me, the reason for that sinus was the physical response to my mother’s rejection at birth.

When I was finally born and the gender was confirmed, a gorgeous baby girl (I just added gorgeous) the expression on my mom’s face changed completely from happy to upset. Being her daughter already upset her, nice start. She couldn’t help it I was not her bundle of joy, I was a burden, a curse, a penance for life.

She held me in her arms when she was discharged from the hospital, she told my father she wasn’t feeling strong enough to hold me the three days spent in the hospital. Who can blame her? My mother is mentally ill, therefore, the task of motherhood will be hard for her. I was the reason for her emotions sinking into postpartum depression. Postpartum depression is temporary, the mother feels extreme sadness, emptiness, and hopelessness, cries all the time, have loss of interest or lack of enjoyment in your usual activities, is being uninterested in the baby, or unable to care for her, or even overwhelming feelings of worthlessness or overpowering guilt, and the list can go on but I'm just going to live it like this.

In rare cases, like my mom’s who suffers from paranoid schizophrenia she could experience delusional thoughts or hallucinations and may harm me. Moreover, she believes others plot and conspire against her. People with paranoid schizophrenia tend to fare better than those suffering from one of the other subtypes. They can experience fewer issues with concentration, memory, and emotional apathy, allowing them to function better in everyday life. And as she never received proper treatment, logically you can expect why until this day we don’t have a solid loving mother-daughter relationship and I found out about her condition 2 years ago.

My father missed my birth, because his wife passed away the same day. Yes, he was married at the time and not to my mom, she was the mistress.

His wife died from a respiratory arrest which is the cessation of breathing due to failure of the lungs to function effectively. She just stop breathing, due a complication of an asthma attack she had when she found out about the baby my father was having; it was too much for her. Leaving behind 3 teenagers conceived in the marriage.

My grandparents and uncles found out the next day, my mother’s relationship with them wasn’t the best either. According to my mom’s they were the reason of her misfortune, me.

When I was 4 months old my parents sent me to a baby-day-care; she needed to work, be productive not being at home with me, notwithstanding, she didn’t want to finish the maternal leave when it was supposed to.

If you like this story and want to read what’s next, leave a comment down below or wait until next week when I’ll post the second part of this story.